Well, Mother's Day has come to a close.  I have a very difficult time truly enjoying this day.  I am so eternally grateful for my two happy healthy children, but I have a hole in my soul that cannot be filled.

Motherless Daughters.  This is a shitty club to be in.  After 18 years of Mother's Days without my mom, you would think I would get used to it. But, I don't.  In fact, it simply @!*%ing sucks.  There are years where it is less painful.  This was not one of them.

I tried very hard to put on a happy face for my sweet kids who made me such cute cards.  I think I fooled them.  They are still too young for me to try to explain why I have such a hard time with this day.  I'm sure there are friends who think that by now I should be over this part of grief.  But, how can you ever be ok with this?

My mom and I were becoming very good friends.  We were moving to a new stage in our relationship.  I was past the high school know it all teenager crap.  Then, boom.  No warning.  She's gone.

I know there are too many young people, small kids, infants who lose a parent.  I know I should be happy that I had her for 20 years.  These are hard things to convince myself of, though.  I wanted to have her there when I graduated from college.  Wanted her to meet the man I married.  Wanted her to meet my children.  I want all this for my brother, too.

I know I should be happy that I did not have to see her suffer, or be in pain, or fight some horrible disease.  But that does not/did not make it any better.  Just different.

That is how I describe it.  It never gets better - just different.  The pain is still there, the tears still flow, the questions are still there.  Most days, so are the happy memories, the funny stories, sometimes I run across something that has her handwriting on it, having a relative or old family friend tell me how much I remind them of her.  Those things bring smiles.

So, here's to hoping next year is a happier one with more true smiles from my heart.